Programmer at Large: Why aren’t you laughing?

This is the latest chapter in my web serial, Programmer at Large. The first chapter is here and you can read the whole archives here or on the Archive of Our Own mirror. This chapter is also mirrored at Archive of Our Own.

“Well… some of us think they just wanted to see what would happen.”

I blinked at Kimiko a couple times.


“Oh come on, didn’t you read between the lines in history class? Half the point of culture design when you spawn a new ship is to try weird things and mess with people.”

“That… doesn’t seem much like what they told us. Isn’t it supposed to be all about designing for resilience and the long-term survival of the trade fleet and the human race?”

“Yeah. By messing with people. Societies doesn’t last long if they can’t take a joke. Well, here we are. We’re the joke. Why aren’t you laughing?”

“It doesn’t seem very funny.”

They sighed.

“It’s really not. Especially if you’re stuck in the middle of it. But I’m serious about the messing with people.”

“OK but… why?”

“A whole bunch of reasons, but it mostly boils down to evolution and data gathering. Trying random nonsense and seeing what works. Sometimes unexpected things turn out to be a really good idea and other people copy them, sometimes it all explodes horribly and the ship dumps a whole bunch of really good experimental data about what not to do onto the trade network. Most of them are somewhere in between, like us.”

“This still seems horribly irresponsible.”

They shrugged elaborately.

“And yet we’re the longest lasting civilisation in human history. As much as it hurts to be on the receiving end of this particular iteration, I can’t deny it works. In some ways we’re even a successful experiment – turns out having a dedicated minority to gently oppress is a great bonding exercise for the rest of the crew, and the systems in place are good enough at stopping things from blowing up. Our drama metrics are really low compared to most ships.”

“That’s horrible,”

“Believe me, I know. Fortunately it’d be a hard sell for any new ship design – it doesn’t have to just work, people have to actually buy into the design, and now that there’s data from us it’d be harder to repeat the experiment. But maybe our data will help somebody figure out a less dysfunctional way of doing it. That’s how the system works.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I just floated there for a while with a slightly ill look on my face. Eventually, Kimiko continued speaking.

“So, uh, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?”

That, at least, was obvious.

“Oh, nothing.”

“Nothing? Really? You’re not going to make a fuss about it?”

“What? No, of course not. That would be stupid. I mean, let me know if I’m wrong and there’s something you want me to do about it, but until then I’m going to do the same thing I do with any complex problem that I don’t understand properly and the experts are already on top of: leave it alone until I do understand it properly.”

They breathed a sigh of relief.

“Good. Thank you. Right answer. And no, there’s nothing much you can do about it. Though, uh, I should warn you that you still might not want to be friends with me. It looks like you’re in enough social metrics trouble as it is without people calling you a sex fiend.”

“Oh, waste that. This whole thing is stupid and even if I’m not going to try and fix it I’m not going to make it worse. Besides, if I get kicked off because people think I’m having sex with you, at least that way I’ll be part of a group rather than all on my own surrounded by grounders.”

I gave a slightly pained smile to show I was only joking. Mostly.

Apparently I’d said something right anyway. I could feel a tension I hadn’t even realised they were holding go out of them.

“That’s… nice to hear. Thank you.”

They paused, grinned.

“And now of course, we must celebrate our new friendship in the way of my people. Let’s bang.”

They waggled their eyebrows suggestively.

I gave them an extremely flat look. Even I could spot that one was a joke.

They held the grin for a few seconds before bursting out laughing.

“Sorry, sorry, couldn’t help myself. Don’t worry, I know better than to actually hit on you. But let me know if you ever want to experiment.”

I nodded.

“I doubt I will, but thanks.”

I stifled a yawn.

“Sorry, excuse me. It’s getting close to my bed time. Is there anything else we need to talk about?”

They shook their head.

“I don’t think so. We’ve got the basic facts of life covered, you’re not going to treat me as a social pariah, those were the big things I wanted to check on, so I’m good if you are.”

They yawned too.

“To be honest though, I’m wiped. It’s a bit off cycle for me, but mind if I join you?”

“Sure, fine by me.”

I usually sleep alone. Not for any particularly good reason, it just happens that way. It would be nice to have some company for once.


“Might as well, if we’re done.”

We stripped off and plugged into the wall. It took a little while to find a comfortable position, but we eventually settled on Kimiko cuddling up to me from behind.

“Sleep well, Arthur”

“You too, Kimiko”

I triggered my sleep mode. Within seconds the world went fuzzy, and shortly after I was fast asleep.

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