The (Programming Language) Hat

I had a conversation on twitter with Michael Bridgen the other day. It went:

@squaremobius: Time to get my C++ hat on! That C++ hat that I have.
@DRMacIver: @squaremobius is it made of barbed wire and high explosives?
@squaremobius: @DRMacIver No, the C++ hat is made of slightly damp folded newspaper. And high explosives.

Well I was thinking about hats on friday (as one does), and started thinking about what the hats for other languages are like.

And then I thought “You know what we haven’t had in a while? An irritating but catchy meme in which we shallowly compare programming languages based on superficial characteristics. Those are awesome“.

The rest was inevitable.

And so, without further ado, I bring you hats for programming languages.

The C Hat

The C hat is a knight’s helmet. People looking at you think you are a brave warrior who slays dragons. They do however also suspect you might just be a crazy LARPer.

The Java Hat

The Java hat is a bowler hat. It is very prim and proper and worn by responsible businessman. You’re not sure if they know it says “Kick Me” on the back, but you don’t want to ask in case they don’t.

The Scala Hat

The Scala Hat is the Java Hat with an HUD and a propeller beanie attached.

The Haskell Hat

The Haskell hat is a beautiful construction of crystal and silver. It is a wonderful thing to behold. It’s the devil to keep the thing properly balanced on your head.

The Python Hat

The Python Hat is broad brimmed, stylish and proper. There is a correct way to wear it, and any other way will get you judged. The correct way is facing dead straight forward, no angle at all, and with a significant indent in the front.

The Ruby Hat

The Ruby Hat was made by this wonderful little milliner you’ve probably never heard of. Despite that, it looks remarkably like they took the Python Hat and added sequins. It is worn at an angle.

The Perl Hat


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31 thoughts on “The (Programming Language) Hat

  1. David Stark

    More ideas:
    The lisp hat is probably a beret.
    The PL/I hat is one of those giant straw hats with a dozen fruit and a bird on it. But spraypainted beige.
    The BCPL hat is a paper hat. It’s very quick to implement, but is not a very good hat.
    The MUMPS hat is not actually a hat. It’s a rabid weasel.

    1. Rob

      The MUMPS hat is a rabid weasel when you call functions with their full names, it turns into a rabid badger when you start abbreviating them to the initial character

  2. Sriram

    Yes , the Scheme hat is a wizard hat. you can do anything and everything in Lambda.

    1. david Post author

      Our royal family are surprisingly talented.

      …but actually I was implying that Perl is a lovecraftian monster and that putting it on your head is likely to get your brains eaten.

  3. legoooooooolas

    The Fortran Hat : A huge square box weighing 15 metric tons, with “HAT” written on the front in 3000000 pt text.

  4. meanguy

    B-. Great concept but I want to read the version of this post written by someone who wears a Writer’s Hat.

  5. blah blah blah

    it’s always annoying to find comments like this, which say – humourously or not – that perl programming somehow implies brain damage. one of the hallmarks of brain damaged person is limited thinking capabilities. they can not think outside the box. they can only think inside the box, a box which is in fact fictitious.

    another interesting thing is, brain damaged and mentally retarded people think that others are mad ! they go”no one understand me. i cool :( sob sob sob :( ”

    the perl programming motto has always been — tmtowtdi. i.e, dream it up and think outside the box fellows.

    seen from this sense, it is ironic python, ruby, java programmers consider that their language is sane. they live and code from within a box.

    unix and perl are ugly. live with it. but it’s the only decent way to make the computer dance.

      1. blah blah blah

        thanks for posting this link. now everyone can do something better than reading this _fail_ post.

  6. Mazbot

    The C++ hat is just a regular hat, except that it has approx 5 ft of fishing line attached to the brim and, at the end and tied to its trigger, a loaded .44 magnum that will shoot you in the foot if you make a move.

  7. Runtest

    The VB.NET hat.

    Those little baby hoodies you cover the tops of young ones with. Requires a pacifier and a full time FCC member to sensor what you do.

  8. Dave Hall

    The javascript hat is actually a rather good hat. Unfortunately, most people wear it backwards, or inside-out, so it’s got a terrible reputation.

  9. Hans

    Nothing like hats to spark a programming language flamewar.
    I like Perl myself, and this hat is fitting with all its curly bits everywhere.
    Every programming language have flaws – choose your poison.

    1. david Post author

      I actually have no particularly strong dislike for perl and keep meaning to learn it properly.

      I do however have a particularly strong dislike for whiny self-righteous commenters who don’t read the post properly, and am always happy to school them. :-)

  10. Vasudev Ram

    The Pascal hat is not just one hat. There are many types of Pascal hats, and you have to wear the right type on the right occasion, otherwise they will not work.

    But the Turbo Pascal hat is different. It is more like the C hat. You can change the Turbo Pascal hat from one type to another.

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