David R. MacIver

This is a page from my previous site (which went under a while ago). It’s basically a list of witty or interesting one liners. I’ve basically put it up here verbatim from the last site without any proof reading or sanitization. Some or all of it is probably crap. :-)

1. All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
2. If it’s stupid but works then it isn’t stupid.
3. Except Perl.
4. Just because the person you’re arguing with isn’t you, it doesn’t neccesarily mean they’re wrong.
5. However, consider the balance of probability.
6. Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open.
7. Minds are not like parachutes: Do not jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet equipped with only your mind.
8. Don’t be a fuckwit.
9. Pain is inevitable; misery is optional.
10. There’s no such thing as too much chocolate.
11. If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
12. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
13. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
14. The only way to have a friend is to be a friend.
15. Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art.
16. Wisdom is the wealth of the wise.  Honesty is the first chapter of the Book of Wisdom.
17. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
18. No one has ever changed their political views, religious ideals, environmental behavior or personal code of ethics due to something written on a bumper sticker. Ever!
19. Contrary to popular belief, expressing your views on any of the topics above in such a way as to make yourself sound superior to others only motivates said others to hate your pathetic little guts.
20. Freedom of speech is not to protect the ideas which you like most, rather it is to defend those which you like least.
21. The things which matter most must never be at the mercy of the things which matter least.
22. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
23. The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.
24. When things are getting you down, have a nice hot cup of Shut The Fuck Up.
25. Widespread caffeine use explains a lot about the twentieth century.
26. Beware the one who wields a power greater than himself.
27. Far away places always seem like a good solution until you get there and realize you brought yourself along.
28. Curiosity was framed; Ignorance killed the cat.
29. Be not inhospitable to strangers lest they be angels in disguise.
30. Don’t be so open minded that your brains fall out.
31. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
32. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
33. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
34. One is seldom criticized for a closed mouth.
35. Nobody is as deaf as those who choose not to hear.
36. Raising your voice does not reinforce your argument.
37. Unless it’s expressly forbidden, anything goes.
38. If the problem can be solved by writing a cheque, then it’s not a problem, it’s an expense.
39. Never eat oysters when you’re lonely.
40. Make sure your tools are doing most of the work.
41. A sharp knife is the safest one.
42. What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
43. Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.
44. There are no stupid questions.
45. There are, however, stupid people.
46. Everybody’s life has problems all the time. There are no exceptions.
47. Not with what you had, or should have, or think you’re going to get. Work with what you have.
48. Life exists because we couldn’t make this stuff up.
49. One day you’ll be dead and it will be too late to do all the things you want to do and have all the experiences you want to have. Plan accordingly.
50. Life is never so hurried and rushed that you should fail to take the time to be polite.
51. Don’t panic.
52. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
53. You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
54. Never try to keep up with the Joneses; It’s much cheaper to drag them down to your level.
55. If the thought of something makes you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you’re probably not allowed to do it.
56. Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make them educated, any more than going to a garage makes them a car.
57. Question everything, including this.
58. There are a million ways to be a great mom, but no way to be a perfect one.
59. Power corrupts; absolute power is even more fun.
60. Look for the person who will benefit.
61. Three people can keep a secret as long as two of them are dead.
62. If you can’t laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at?
63. It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only four to bitchslap the asshole who pissed you off.
64. Moderation in all things, especially moderation.
65. If all you have is a hammer then you will find a way to solve your problem by hitting things.
66. Assigning blame is less useful than fixing the mistake.
67. Time is illusory, lunchtime doubly so.
68. No one ever died wishing they had spent more time in the office.
69. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
70. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy’s enemy, no more, no less.
71. To fall in love is to create a religion with a fallible deity.
72. The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.
73. Never let a lack of ability prevent you from attempting something.
74. In theory practice and theory are the same. In practice they are different.
75. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
76. Questions don’t have to make sense. Answers do.
77. Civility is the art of having productive interactions with people you despise.
78. This tells you more about the British than we really want you to know.
79. Never ascribe to malice what can be explained by stupidity.
80. This is only good advice when there is no malice afoot.

Contributions by and Quotes from: Henry Lockwood, Jennie Lees, norinew, twickster, Goethe, Dr Suess, Mastema, Nicholas Murray Butler, Richard Thrippleton, Greg Egan, Cougarfang, Zenster, ianzin, JohnT, Marvin, SPC Schwarz, Lenin, Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, Howard Tayler via The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates, Aldous Huxley. (Not all delivered personally)
Note that just because something is here, doesn’t mean I neccesarily agree with it. Good advice doesn’t neccesarily equate to advice that I would give.